i don't think anyone really uses xanga anymore, but i'm currently in need of an outlet to tangibly establish even just a small fraction of the endless busy thoughts swarming through my mind and i'm still finding difficulty in going to God directly...so this is sort of my indirect way of bouncing some of my recent thoughts off the walls of His reception...Hopefully He will give me some sort of response in His own way...
i've been numb to EVERYTHING for almost 2 years until very recent....lately, i've been "feeling" alot- angry, sad, bitter, disappointed, hurt, occasionally happy, but mainly i just feel so burdened, overwhelmed and heavy hearted. it's almost as if some sort of wall has been broken down and all the feeling i lacked is simultaneously rushing in...as a result, i'm just now beginning to experience regret over the time i've wasted, the sins committed, the consequences of such sins, and just how i've chosen to live my life for the past couple years. i've strayed so far away that it's become so difficult to make my way back...i know it's possible, yet i'm still not sure if i truly believe it is....i want to get better, but i've said this so many times and failed if even that...my words have lost all credibility. there are days when i try through small steps to get better and then i feel the heavy overbearing tide of guilt over all my mistakes sweep me back into the intended oblivion of my pathetic state. life has so many twists and turns, and although they may not be "big" my feeble mind has not overcome the obstacles with any success and now i am where i am....shamed, with nothing to say or show but a limp spiritual condition. one thing though, is i do see some truth. i see life for wut it actually may really be. i see an atom sized amount of Him.... i've had it all wrong, and i've been chasing my tail...everything is fleeting and it always has been...but it's really true....in moments i feel like i don't know who i am, but sometimes i see through the past the present and possibilities of the future of who i may actually be...can i be great for Him? i know for a fact and i can firmly say i believe that it wouldn't be on my own strength that such greatness would be yielded...is it too late? but that would make His words untrue, and God does not lie...can i just pick up and get it together? is it really that easy? i'm not totally sure, and i'm embarassed and scared for not being sure....i used to like living and dwelling in the past- good and bad...but lately it only emphasizes the dark and lonely present and it seems to weigh me down and keep me bound from moving on...my own pleasure has become my own poison, and i've no one to blame but myself and my shortcomings...i want to move forward and begin dwelling and living in the present with hopes of the future set as my destination, all it takes is to surrender myself completely yet i make it so hard and have made it this way for so long... but i think i'm really going to try this time...i really want to and i'm trying to hang on with the little strength i have...i want to hope that this is not just an uttering of "wolf" from my "boy who cried wolf" heart...i want my life to fulfill its purpose...this is all just a big blurb of the chaos in my head...hopefully this chaos will in time be calmed with clarity of His mind by His grace so that my thoughts will be clearer so that i may act on them accordingly....
if it's not too late, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." i would like this to be my ambition in life- to be perserverant and remembering that it takes discipline and constant struggle to possess such ambition...i've learned, realized, and now have accepted that nothing comes easy....nothing...please, God don't give up on me, and please give me the strength that i need to get it together...i want to live a life fit for you, i want to be able to really help the others in my life who don't have this grace that i have shamefully taken for granted and neglected...i'm sorry....please believe me and rebuild me and please don't let me give up or fall this far again..please bring me out of this pit and help me to believe it's possible, please "enlighten the eyes of my heart." please. i don't deserve it, i know..but help me to understand and believe that i don't deserve it past just the surface layer guilt i feel...allow my heart to understand what i've done on a deeper level so that i cannot help but react in complete humility and gratitude....please restore my hope...please free me from my guilt over my wasted life and place an urgency in my heart to not waste a single moment more...please help me...
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